People Respond: What's Bad Sex? / by Dr. Natalia P Zhikhareva

A few weeks ago I have asked readers to complete an anonymous survey: What makes for bad sex?

Sex in today’s society is viewed as: goal-oriented, performance-driven, orgasm-centric and erection focused.  As such, it was surprising to see only a few respondents focus on the outcome of ‘bad sex.’ 

Here is how the vast majority described ‘bad sex’ in various subcategories.  So ‘What’s Bad Sex?’  Let’s take a look:


            “When you are just screwing.  There is no intimacy or connection to the person you are with.”

            “When you focus on ideas rather than emotions and sensations.  When you can tell your partner is doing work in their head.”

            “For sex to be good, you need to care about what your partner wants.  You need to be able to enjoy intimacy without orgasm being the end result.  Just enjoy yourself and each other.”

            “Its bad when after you are done, you see your partner roll over and go to sleep.  No cuddling, or holding each other or be close.  You are just left feeling alone and its lonely.”


            “When one person is not expressing passion or enthusiasm.”

            “If you partner lies there like a dead fish, well, you just know they are not into it.  At least try to pretend.”

“Her lack of enthusiasm”


            “Having sex after being told that you are obligated to do it even though you would prefer not to.”

            “I hate it when my partner makes me feels bad about not wanting to have sex.  I have to come up with some lame excuse when in reality, I just don't want to do it that instant.  Then men wonder why women feel a need to fake an orgasm.”

            “You know its bad when they start initiating and its so obvious you are not interested.  They are just being selfish in wanting sex at that moment and you are suddenly supposed to get all turned on.” 


            “Partner not listening to what you want.  No oral sex involved.  Them not knowing what to do in bed.”

            “When your man doesn’t listen when you tell him what you need, no foreplay whatsoever.  He doesn't try to please you only to expect you to stroke and suck him in return.”

            “My ex was bad and I could tell he learned most of his skills from porn.  I don't enjoy those jackhammer strokes and that’s what it felt like.  Then he would lick me all over and missing the point.  I guess I should have also told him where clitoris was because he was just clueless.”

            “Sex sucks if your partner is not responding to your needs.  When she just wants to have traditional missionary sex and doesn't want to try anything else.”

            “For the longest time my men would get really upset and defensive if I would make suggestions on how to please me.  Eventually I gave up and with time and prompts sex got better.  But for the longest time he thought he had it all figured out.”

What do all these categories have in common?  They are all highly relational!  ‘Bad sex’ is much more than orgasm driven experience.  Instead of taking messages on what sex should be from media and society – open up your ears – and listen to the one person sex matters the most, you and your partner!

Where you surprised by the results of ‘what’s bad sex?’