Here is Why Being Stared at is Not Synonymous With Being Misgendered!
Imagine. You get ready to go out. You feel confident and great about yourself. Hoping everyone will see you just the way you see yourself.
Then you step outside.
And see other people. They look. Maybe a just a second too long.
Suddenly! Your inner world plummets. You are dead certain they are misgendering you! They haven’t said a word, but YOU know! Your mind screams. Confidence drops.
Did anyone actually misgender you?
Now, how do I know being stared at is not synonymous with being misgendered?
I don’t! But neither do you!
That’s right. In fact, we don’t know if a person has misgendered us unless they speak to us directly. Call us a “sir” or a “ma’am". Or express how they see us.
Fear of being misgendered, is the number one concern I hear from transgender people. When I inquire further, people express “knowing” someone has misgendered them simply by the way they looked at them.
In fact fear of being misgendered leads you to experiences increased symptoms of gender dysphoria:
depression
anxiety
isolation
hopelessness
and helplessness
These symptoms interfere with your daily life.
Now I dont deny that people stare.
Nor do I deny that a stare may be a non-verbal way of communicating “you don’t pass.” Or “I can’t quite place you into gender binary within my brain.”
What I am proposing and encouraging you to do, is to suspend the unknown.
You see, your mind is an incredible machine.
Capable of creating perceived reality that is not there.
Able to convince us of things we believe are true.
During transition, your mind already operates at a full capacity. Often anxiety ridden.
Trust me! The last thing you want to add to the on-going stress is AN ASSUMPTION.
When you feel insecure, which often happens mid transition, you project you insecurities into your surroundings. You begin seeing things that are not there.
As a result, you start believing you inner voices. Voices which whisper you are not being seen in your true gender.
When the world is hard on you, especially when you are transitioning, the last thing you need is to be hard on yourself.
Not to mention when you are struggling to deal with dysphoria.
When I was little and people would stare, my mom would say, “thats what the eyes are for, to stare.” And you know what, she is absolutely right.
The eyes are there to look. It is our minds that speculate and judge.
Unless a person has verbally expressed how they feel, the best you have to go on is an assumption.
Being stared at is not synonymous with being misgendered!
If your goal is to pass and you are looking at the public for guidance, pay attention to how people verbally address you. If you are often verbally misgendered, that may be a clue that some work needs to be done. Again, if passibility is important to you.
You will also find this videos helpful, How to Capitalize on Being Misgendered and Why People Misgender and How to Deal With It.
Remember, if you are interpreting every stare as a gauge of your passibility, you are being deeply misguided.
Don’t rely on non-verbal cues. It will drain you. Exhaust your mind. And take away your inner confidence.
I live in Los Angeles. Let me tell you, everyone stares! What I learned to realize, is that people are not staring at me. They are looking at me to see if I am staring back at them!