Can Justifying Your Gender Identity Lead to a Complex?
Can justifying your trans identity develop complexes and deep insecurity? Dr. Z says absolutely yes—not only possible, but sadly incredibly probable.
When you come out, there are people who won't believe you—constantly questioning you, policing your identity: "Are you sure? How can you know? Maybe you're being influenced, brainwashed, confused. Maybe you need to explore your sexuality." People (especially close to you) point out things from your past: "You can't be trans because in the past you did XYZ, you never brought it up when little, look how you presented for the longest time, I never saw clues or signs."
They bring up these things as if they're confirmative clues to how you feel now. What they don't realize: gender is multifaceted and people cope. You do an excellent job pretending you're comfortable with biological sex when in reality you're incredibly miserable, in incredible internal pain and turmoil. You've done a great job (nothing to be happy about—this great job wears off and is hard to remove yourself from later).
As a result of justifying (proving yourself, defending yourself, explaining "I'm really trans and you never saw it because I was overcompensating, afraid to come out"), you develop an inner complex. This justification leads to inner insecurities because confidence builds when we affirm within ourselves and to people around us that the things we're doing and the way we are is of value. If you wake up every day telling yourself "you are worthless," you feel worthless. If you tell yourself "you are worth it, you are valuable," you develop inner value.
Watch to find out the difference between open-heart conversations (great and helpful—sitting down with family/friend who's open and not policing you, explaining "I can see how this is a surprise, it was difficult for me to be myself because I was afraid how the world would respond") and justifying again and again (breeds complex—later when you transition and feel great, the complex constantly creates duality: you know you're trans but you're incredibly insecure, feeling "if I have to justify who I am continuously, is there even place for me in the world, do I even matter, do I exist?"), and why justification negates your existence.
