"Was I Always Trans or Did I Become Trans?" Understanding the Question by Dr. Z
This question probably keeps you awake at night. You've turned it over in your mind a thousand times, searching for an answer that feels true: Was I trans all along and just didn't know it? Or did I somehow become trans later in life?
There's no simple answer. And that ambiguity feels unbearable.
Why this question feels so urgent:
You're experiencing a narrative coherence crisis. As a storytelling person, you don't just experience events; you organize them into narratives with beginnings, middles, and ends. When you realize you're transgender later in life, it fundamentally disrupts the story you've been telling yourself and others about who you are.
So you go back. You reexamine childhood memories, adolescent experiences, and early relationships. You're looking for signs you were always trans—clues you missed, evidence that makes your present make sense.
Some of you find clear signs. Others don't find those signs at all. Your childhood felt fine, normal, maybe even happy. And that inconsistency is deeply unsettling.
The real problem? The question itself might be wrong.
Instead of asking "was I always trans or did I become trans," ask these three questions:
How do I understand my gender journey in a way that honors both my past and my present?
What narrative allows me to integrate all parts of my experience with integrity?
How do I move forward without needing all the answers about my past?
Your goal isn't finding the "correct" answer. It's finding an interpretation that lets you move forward with integrity and peace. Some of you need to conclude that you were always trans. Others need to honor your past as genuine and your present as evolution. Both are valid.