"You're Not Woman Enough": Rejecting Others' Standards by Dr. Z

One of the biggest challenges trans women face: being told by others—family, friends, cis women, even other trans women—that you're not woman enough.

You're not woman enough because you're not on hormones yet. Not woman enough because you're not passing. Not woman enough because you're not removing facial hair. Not woman enough because you're not working on your voice.

This scrutiny hits especially hard for trans women because you're already carrying years—sometimes decades—of internal shame, self-loathing, and insecurity from living with gender dysphoria. You've spent 10, 20, 30+ years in a deeply self-critical relationship with yourself. And now that you're finally stepping into your authentic identity, you're immediately bombarded with judgment about doing it "wrong."

Even spaces that should offer support—trans communities themselves—often become arenas of criticism about whose womanhood is valid enough.

Here's what I need you to understand: Any woman who tells you you're doing womanhood wrong doesn't know what she's talking about. She only knows how to do womanhood her way. She's an expert on herself—and she's projecting her standards onto you.

If there was one right way to be a woman, we'd all look alike, sound alike, behave alike. We don't. Because womanhood is embedded in individualistic experience.

The difference between seeking guidance and accepting destructive criticism: asking someone whose style resonates with you for mentorship is wonderful. Taking unsolicited advice from someone tearing you down? That's not support—that's projection.

When you anchor in your own womanhood—what feels aligned with you—other people's opinions become irrelevant noise. It might still annoy you. It might still hurt. But it won't shake your foundation.