The Truth Behind the Ultimatums!
Your partner gave you an ultimatum about transitioning—Dr. Z explains why ultimatums never work and what's really behind them.
You came out to your partner and they gave you an ultimatum: "You're not going to transition. If you do transition, I'm going to leave/divorce you/walk away/leave you alone." Any sentence leading to you ending up alone.
Ultimatums never work. Dr. Z's analogy: ultimatums are like negotiating with terrorists—"you never negotiate with terrorists." When someone throws an ultimatum, there's nothing to negotiate. Ultimatums are "my way or the highway"—no flexibility, no opportunities. Your partner decides for both of you what's best from their vantage point. Incredibly painful and unfair.
Dr. Z understands appropriate scenarios: "I'm not sure this will work for me, I'm not sure I can do this, not sure I signed up for this, not sure if I'm open-minded enough." Partners have rights to make decisions for themselves too. But ultimatums have no flexibility.
What's behind ultimatums? A tactic to control the situation because they're scared—losing stability, financial stability, friendships, worried about family's response, children's response. Behind ultimatums is always fear.
Watch to find out why ultimatums never work (you can't have partner saying no to your health/wellbeing—dysphoria gets worse, you resent them, no-win situation), why this is power-over not win-win, and why discussing fears behind ultimatum is the only way it can change.
