2 Scenarios Which Explain Why You Feel Betrayed by Your Partner Coming out as Trans?
Experiencing feelings of betrayal when your partner comes out is incredibly common. And it doesn't matter whether your partner identifies as transfemale or transmale.
“I feel lied to,” “stabbed in the back,” and “deceived” are some of the ways a loved one expresses their feelings of betrayal.
This initial time period can be incredibly difficult. Bringing up mixed emotions, frustrations, and uncertainty about the future.
Are you allowed to feel betrayed? Being kept in the dark for years? Building a future in your mind that may not exist?
The answer is yes and no. Allow me to explain.
For starters, let me say that you absolutely have a right to feel all of the feelings you initially experience when your partner comes out. And there is no right or wrong feeling to have.
These feelings may flood you and it’s going to take some time to sort out which emotions are actually being triggered underneath the feelings.
Now let’s get back to a feeling of betrayal. Most importantly, I want to show you two different scenarios when these feelings occur.
Understanding the difference between the two can help you see the situation from a different perspective. Leading to increased empathy, compassion, and healing.
Before we get to each scenario, let me clarify that betrayal is an act. The emotions that result from it are what we mean when we say we're “feeling betrayed.”
This might be because you feel:
a sense of loss
a loss of trust
a loss of the person you thought they were
a loss of the happy memories you have of them
a loss of the future you saw with them
Given that betrayal is an act, it implies being acted upon. Meaning, a person has to be conscious and fully cognizant of the behavior. For example, people don’t just unconsciously engage in infidelity. Nor do they unconsciously take out all of your savings to gamble.
#1 SCENARIO: WHEN A PERSON IS FULLY CONSCIOUS OF THEIR GENDER IDENTITY
This implies individuals who struggle with gender dysphoria and have full conscious awareness of their gender identity.
To be clear, these are not individuals who are not sure whether they are trans. Uncertain of wanting to transition, or secretly wondering if their mind is playing tricks on them.
In my experience, the consciously-aware person has an understanding of their gender identity.
In other words, if there were no impediments, they would start gender transition today.
Therefore in this scenario, if a person is fully conscious of their gender identity and chooses to remain it hidden from a partner, that’s an act of betrayal, in my view.
Now as a transgender therapist I fully understand many reasons for keeping this a secret. I really do. However, I do not think that one’s internal pain should be minimized at the expense of another human being.
In this case, if you feel betrayed because your partner knew (REALLY knew) their gender identity, and feared coming out, that is an act of betrayal. No matter how painful it is for both you.
Now there is an important distinction which brings us to scenario number two.
#2 SCENARIO: WHEN A PERSON IS NOT FULLY CONSCIOUS OF THEIR GENDER IDENTITY
In this scenario, we have a partner who is not fully conscious of their gender identity.
These are individuals who are deeply uncertain.
They may have some idea, however this idea is remote and is deeply nested within their unconscious.
So deeply nested that these individuals would go to extreme lengths to negate the internal pain.
Often hoping the feelings would go away if only they got married, had a family, worked harder, moved to a new city, etc.
It is important to see how in this scenario, the feeling of betrayal is not an act. These individuals are not even fully cognizant of who they are. It’s as if they are sleep walking a life alongside you.
This is an incredibly painful scenario for both parties. Because neither is fully aware while actively planning their future life.
Now I am going to be honest with you here. In my professional experience, I rarely see individuals in the first scenario. And when I do, I believe it is important to encourage them to be honest, regardless of how things might turn out.
Most people I see tend to fall into the second category. By the time they are certain about their gender identity, they have spend years of sleepwalking.
Thus it becomes incredibly painful for both parties as it was never one’s intention to lie, deceive or betray.
In this scenario, having a clear understanding of what constitutes betrayal can help. Most importantly, it can help you understand that while it may feel like a betrayal, there is a big difference.