Afraid to Come Out to Your Partner?
Dr. Z talks to people in relationships about the biggest fear they face when coming out to partners—fear of abandonment, fear they'll leave you, fear they can't adapt to your new gender expression or identity.
Usually the longer you've been in a relationship and the more value that relationship has accumulated (tangible values like having children, shared past, shared household, assets; intangible values like great memories created together, times you stormed through as a couple and persevered), the more difficult it's going to be to face your fear and come out. Part of you is tremendously terrified to lose that value.
Another thing that affects the fear is a misconception fed by society and media—that being a transgender person means being alone, never being loved, never finding a partner. This misconception exasperates your fear and prevents you from coming out because you start believing it's true. While Dr. Z won't lie—the older you are, it can be more challenging to find a partner post-transition—it's not impossible. She's seen people of all ages who transitioned and found somebody they connected with to form a relationship.
Your fear is formulated by two biggest things: (1) the value you've accumulated, and (2) the misconception that you'll be alone. As a result, many choose to stay in a relationship and not come out to partners. Dr. Z knows that brings a lot of pain and is a very difficult choice, and knows it brings inner isolation because there's no way you'll be really connected to your partner when you're hiding something so big and important and such a big part of who you are.
Watch to find out why Dr. Z challenges you, why you cannot stay in the cage of your fear at expense of your partner, why not coming out creates distance (you've been distant to your partner through sublimating into work, sexual distance, escaping into video games or addiction), and why your partner feels that distance and creates narratives about it.
