What is The Biggest Fear When it Comes to Coming Out?
Dr. Z talks about one of the biggest fears you experience when you're about to come out—that people around you will not take your gender identity as valid, will dismiss it, say it's a phase you're going through, you've been brainwashed, it's something you made up, it's middle-aged crisis, has something to do with your sexuality, or there's childhood trauma.
The biggest fear is they're not going to see this as valid or legitimate—it's going to be dismissed. Especially for those not sure where they fall on the gender spectrum, it can be very scary. Maybe you think you're somewhere in the middle and identify as non-binary, so you come out and share it with loved ones. As you start transitioning socially and expressing yourself in your true gender, you realize you're much more comfortable presenting as trans masculine. You need to start microdosing testosterone or go on testosterone or have other changes. Now you're concerned—what will loved ones say? Will they say "make up your mind, how can you not know yourself, first you went from non-binary now you're transmasculine"?
One thing to realize: people you come out to take their gender for granted. They wake up every single day without a single thought about their gender or how they see themselves in the world in relationship to their gender. They don't experience dysphoria the way you do. Also, gender dysphoria is still in DSM and many people still believe it's psychological. We don't have a test—you can't go to a doctor and get blood work done and have the doctor say "I can see by your blood work you really have a medical condition." We don't have that type of medical validation yet.
Watch to find out why people around you think you're making it up and why this fear exists.
