Will Our Relationship Survive Gender Transition?
“Will our relationship survive the transition?” is the first question every couple asks me when their partner comes out. While my goal is to always help couples make it through, truth is, not everyone does.
Relationships are incredibly complex systems. Each couple is additionally unique. What makes a relationship successfully go through transition, depends on many factors.
Throughout my practice of working with gender-diverse couples, I have seen many making it work. And many painfully fall apart.
While there is no way to predict whether a relationship will make it, there is a formula that has continuously shown to demonstrate success.
TRACTION + QUALITY = SUCCESS
This formula has continuously demonstrated high rates of success among the couples I have worked with. Now, what exactly do I mean by it?
Simply put, traction is the amount of time a couple has spent together. In other words, how long is your relationship?
The longer the couple has been together, the more traction they have accumulated. Traction as it turns out is incredibly important. Because it is the time that you have invested into the relationship.
But as we all know, traction, in itself, is not enough. Many couples fall apart after ten, twenty, and even thirty years of staying together.
What makes traction golden is when you add value to it. Value is the quality time a couple has added to the time they spend together.
Together, quality time over a long enough relationship period builds trust. And trust is your main personal asset. Often this asset is an accumulation of great memories, cherished moments, conflicts and resolutions, and going through tough times together that make two people grow closer.
This is analogous to the metaphor of an emotional bank account. The higher the amount of trust that’s been built up in a relationship, the higher the net worth of your relationship account.
Similarly, the less trust that’s been built up in a relationship, the lower, or net negative, the worth of your relationship.
It is exactly the positive net worth of an emotional bank account of the couple which predicts the potential for success. The higher the net worth is, the more chances of making it through the transition.
The majority of partners are not willing to walk away from such an investment. Often, they will do everything they can to attempt to make the relationship work.
In the end, it almost always pays off. The positive traction they have accumulated enables them to hold on to each other throughout the transition. In fact, couples often end up becoming stronger and more resilient.
Sadly, relationships fall apart for couples lacking in emotional investment or the ones who have accumulated negative emotional bank accounts. For a partner who is not transitioning, the news becomes yet another debt toward their future. For this reason, many end up separating.
If you are in a relationship, planning to transition, and are afraid your relationship won’t make it, I encourage you to take an honest look at it. Assess how the relationship has been up to this point.
Truth is, many couples accumulate negative net worth over time. The transition just ends up being a final push that takes them over the edge.
It is important to remember that those with invested trust successfully make it through the transition and continue to be healthy, thriving, couples.