Is Nonbinary Identity a Stepping Stone to a Binary Identity?
Is non-binary identity a stepping stone to binary identity? Dr. Z explains the 3 categories.
This question is asked by non-binary or transgender individuals, and it's used by people who want to invalidate non-binary identity. It's not an easy question—it falls into various categories. Dr. Z has observed at least three most common ones.
Category #1: Individuals who have always identified as non-binary and will always continue to identify as non-binary. These people have existed throughout history and exist today. Their sense of identity maintains static and the same throughout their lives, developmental stages, sense of self. They identify as non-binary and nothing will change their identity—that's who they are and how they see themselves. (Same way Dr. Z identifies as cis woman—in her 40s, nothing has changed that.)
Category #2: Individuals who start exploring their gender and identifying as non-binary. As they explore and learn more about themselves, their gender identity, gender expression, and gender roles they occupy, sometimes through sheer force of those gender experiences they realize they're leaning more toward one binary than the other—identifying more toward masculine or feminine end of spectrum. But to say non-binary was a stepping stone (as if it's a springboard everyone catapults from only to end up on one spectrum or another) is INACCURATE. What happens: by starting to broaden gender lens and explore gender expression/roles, a person realizes they're actually moving more into one segment versus the other as a byproduct of learning about themselves. Nothing wrong with that—gender is incredibly complex and difficult at outset to understand, especially growing up in conservative environment that doesn't have language or allow environment for expression.
Category #3: Individuals who identify as non-binary and are truly non-binary in their gender identity but make a decision to go to one end of spectrum or another. In Dr. Z's experience, they make this decision NOT because they identify with that binary—they make it because the world today doesn't have social cues for non-binary identity. It becomes very difficult: every time you present as non-binary, people are gendering you by one or another binary (inaccurate, doesn't define how you see yourself or feel inside). Non-binary people take this emotional beating—as if the world is punching you constantly by their binary perception. You come home exhausted, only to wake up and do it again. For many non-binary people it becomes incredibly difficult and painful to constantly reaffirm—almost like coming out every single time by telling people you identify as non-binary and your preferred pronouns. For some it takes a toll. If Dr. Z had to go every single day defending and proving who she is, it would take a toll on her too. As a result, people make a choice to go to one binary just because they got overwhelmed, they're tired, they don't want to live like that.
Watch to find out why Dr. Z personally doesn't wish people would make Category #3 choice (though she respects everybody's choices)—because they're going from one gender identity into a gender identity perhaps perceived as easier (world can read social cues) but even more difficult (constantly reading something deeply inaccurate, not how you really feel inside or see yourself).
