Validating Gender Identity Through Sexuality.
Dr. Z discusses times in transition when you start seeking validation of your gender identity (especially validation of whether you've achieved passability) through sexuality, sexual attraction, and sexual relationships.
This is different from Dr. Z's video on overcompensating for biological sex. Today's topic: Dr. Z observes individuals seeking or wanting to have sexual relationships, or wanting to be desired, complimented, or seen as attractive by the opposite gender. This is very binary and heteronormative (male/female), having less to do with your internal view of whether you believe the world is binary and more to do with the contextual schema you've developed as a byproduct of worldview. Sadly, today's worldview is still binary—majority of people see male/female through a very heteronormative lens.
Dr. Z observes this especially with trans women, sometimes with trans men, and less with non-binary individuals. It usually happens at a point in transition when you start to feel confident, get momentum, and feel really good about yourself (as a result of hormone changes, social transition, or surgical transition). You're starting to see yourself, solidify your sense of self, and start seeking out relationships—ready to explore and have open or intimate relationships.
There's a tendency to want to be desired and seen as attractive by an opposite gender. For trans women, that's a tendency to be seen as attractive by a man, have a man want a relationship with you, or desire sexual relationships with men. For trans men, it's a desire to be wanted and seen as attractive by a woman. A lot of times it tends to be less embedded in your sexuality—many trans women engaging in this aren't even necessarily interested in men in terms of sexual orientation, but something internally drives this desire where it becomes a dependency as a way to validate your sense of passability.
Dr. Z sees this especially in individuals around age 27 to about 40. It's a period where some feel the need to put a check mark internally—if an opposite gender finds you attractive, that means you've achieved that level of passability.
The important thing to ask yourself: are you wanting this relationship because you're sexually exploring your sexuality and really sexually attracted to those individuals (or just exploring and don't know, which is fine), or are you doing it because you need validation? If you're doing it for validation, that's okay too—as human beings we constantly seek external validation to build internal validation (they go hand in hand). What's important is to realize if you're doing it over and over again, you fall into a cyclical trap where you're relying so much on external validation for your sense of identity. There comes a point where you need to give it to yourself internally—give yourself that certainty and confidence without being so reliant on other people.
