Questioning if You Are Doing the Right Thing? Here is How to Get Back on Track!
Dr. Z talks about how to get back on track and find your true north once you're transitioning and lost your way.
Transition is like sailing—if you lost your compass to true north, how do you find it? What Dr. Z means by "lost your way": you start transitioning, then somewhere in beginning stages many things happen (denial goes away, reality sinks in, you hit plateau, other things start happening) that spiral you into questioning yourself, doubting yourself, wondering whether you're on the right track and whether transition is actually for you.
The idea that you'll have 100% certainty doesn't exist. Seldom are people 100% sure they want to transition. Usually people know that's what they need to do to alleviate distress, but seldom do people feel 100% sure everything will go right. People just do it, and each affirming step feels right.
If you're lost mid-transition (maybe on hormones, already out, people using preferred pronouns and name, starting to express yourself in preferred gender) and suddenly starting to question everything—wondering "do I really need to do this, is this really for me, am I making a mistake, what if this won't solve my problem or alleviate dysphoria, what if I'm still going to feel dysphoria afterwards"—all the doubt and fear creeping in means you lost your compass.
What can help: drop out of the fear and go back to square one. Square one is what initially got you to undergo transition. For majority, square one is feeling incongruity between biological sex and the gender it denotes and communicates to the world. Square one is body dysmorphia and gender dysphoria. Square one is your compass and your way to identify true north.
Ask yourself: do I still feel comfortable with my biological sex? If the answer is "I'm starting to actually feel comfortable," then transition is probably not for you. The answer most likely would be "no, I'm still not comfortable with my biological sex, I'm still experiencing things." By this time you may experience mild dysphoria because you're on hormones, which is very common—hormones make you feel immediately good, and people say "I feel better, I experience less dysphoria, I don't need this," so they stop, but then dysphoria comes back even stronger because you experienced the difference psychologically between having dysphoric noise quieten down versus having it return.
If you go back to square one and find you're actually comfortable with your biological sex and secondary characteristics, then you really need to wonder if this is just a case of gender expression and gender role. This can be challenging because by now you've come out, committed to transition in your head, and told loved ones. You feel afraid people are watching and will invalidate your reality. But you don't want to go through transition because you're afraid to opt out or feel like you made a mistake. Your only commitment is to yourself—you're not committing to anybody's points of views or opinions. If you don't feel what you're doing is right for you, you're responsible to opt out and take a step back.
